mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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