I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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