I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
