At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
