So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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