you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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