Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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