if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
