when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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