am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
