so that wasnt chicken after all
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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