I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
