pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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