last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
