i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
