I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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