2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
