you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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