i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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