We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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