I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
