my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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