Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
