dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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