Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Success! We fucked roommates!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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