hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
