the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
