Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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