New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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