Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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