Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
