I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
