I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
