I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
