Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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