she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He better not be in your backpack
Liz is crying about burritos again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
