i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
