No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
