she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
