I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
