So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
