Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
