Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
