between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
