insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
