Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
