I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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