I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
