I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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