I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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