I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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