did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
