Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
