That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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