he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
