He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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